My Story
The woman I knew.
I wish to honor who she was before she met her womb. Perhaps you will find bits of yourself here too..
Before I go into the infinite forms of life we birth as womb keepers, I wish to lie to rest, the woman that walked before this moment. I wish to honor who she was before she met her womb. Perhaps you will find bits of yourself here too..
She lost all of her hair when she was 16 because she pulled it all out.
Suicidal depression for 7 years.
I genuinely believed joy wasn’t in my blueprint.
I was convinced there was a sadness that ran through my blood.
I thought when a man would desire me, all would be well in my world.
I didn’t dance.
I couldn’t dance.
I wouldn’t hug my Mother.
Oh but I longed to touch the depths.
Parties were disinteresting.
Most social group events were.
I preferred coffee shops and my journal.
I lived within what I could dream of.
And it was always a life I was not living.
Everything conventional I rejected.
I was being called into something greater.
And I felt it in every cell of my body.
I thought it was a business empire of some sort.
I actually spent New Years Eve at my parents house on Canva, putting my face to a Forbes cover.
Yet insecurity swallowed me whole most days.
The scars on my legs.
My hair loss.
What I perceived as asymmetrical features on my face.
I couldn’t find one element of my body that I appreciated.
No matter how many f——— pilates classes I took.
What kind of man would desire this?
Why can’t I be a normal woman, I would think to myself.
I couldn’t stick to anything.
You couldn’t have my discipline with anything for more than a week.
And that is a generous statement.
Nothing drew me in.
I would abandon everything.
Including myself.
My nervous system running on dopamine hits and lattes and…
I supposed I understood there was no arrival point.
But there was a part of me that was reaching for something that I had never seen before.
I didn’t want to go to school.
I did not want to be taught.
And then I discovered my womb.
While I understand there is no arrival point, I do feel she was reaching for this moment. The moment I finally let go.
No more shame.
No more guilt.
No more rejecting myself.
No more lack.
No more dependency.
No more suffering.
I am sacred.
I am a sacred woman.
I talk to the ocean and she whispers back to me.
I move my hands with her waters and she responds.
I call upon the rains and they pour.
I soak in light codes from the sun.
I roared out the pain in my hips and the earth felt her freedom too.
I exhale and the earth does too.
I declare peace and so it is.
I end the war within myself and the war around us ends.
I can imagine many possibilities, but I primarily imagine a spiral.
An infinite cycle.
And if we are cyclical, it means we are never moving forward or backwards.
We are always revisiting aspects of our being and seeing her with a new pair of eyes.
I see the Ellie that carried me here, the oh so curious one.
Completely unafraid.
She trusted the mystery that was calling her.
She had no idea what. She had no idea when.
She had no physical evidence that she would be caught, but she knew.
And that knowing, was always going to be stronger than any doubt.
I have a feeling that many of you sisters can feel your own spirit alive as you read this.
You sister.
Trusting.
Sensing.
You always knew there was more.
And so you went searching.
You listened to your hunger.
You listened to your ache.
Because you knew.
Deep in your bones.
Where you are is never the end.
It is always a beginning.
your womb is your pathway home. and so, welcome home dear sister.
